How I almost drowned myself twice

I had spent roughly 47 days so far teaching myself how to surf. I started had to abruptly wake up in the middle of the night from getting smacked by waves in my dreams. Lots of fun & tumbles.

One of my biggest complaints was that I lost too much time in between waves rubbing the water out of my eyes. Yes it's only a few seconds, but when timing is everything, you cannot sit around rubbing your eyes clear. The 3.4 seconds it takes to rub your eyes could result in you missing a wave or getting ambushed by the next one.

One evening I decided I should stop rubbing my eyes. I should build up a tolerance to the salt water. Maybe with enough practice I could blink it out. I could then easily resurface in between waves with no time wasted. I didn't really ask other surfers if this was a thing, I just presumed they all were expert non eye rubbers.

I went to Mission Beach alone, without my board, to do a simple exercise I came up with. Swim through waves and come up without touching my eyes. The ocean was clear of all activity. I had the whole place to myself.

As I approached the beach there was a beautiful sunset to come, a cloud looked like an angel was on the horizon. I still try and make things out of cloud shapes and interpret them as messages from the universe. It's fun, you should do it. This angel was quite literally a message from the universe.

I got in the water and started swimming into the waves. I went under a wave, came up, and tried opening my eyes. Not ideal at all. Stinging, salty, blurry. I repeated this activity, nothing really was happening. my vision was blurred, I was uncomfortable, disoriented. I kept going. I found I was even becoming out of breath, my body was working harder - it seemed panicked, when your vision isn't clear you really don't know what is going on, you work harder than you normally do.

I finally decided I had enough. I rubbed my eyes for the first time and they were stinging, red, everything was still pretty blurry. I thought to myself, I don't think I swam out this far, did I? I was in the middle of the ocean. Way beyond my comfort level. I kept rubbing my eyes for clearer vision. Okay, this wasn't just my blurry vision - I am WAY out there.

It's almost like we teamed up to see how far I could get myself pushed out there. Swimming with a rip tide, while simultaneously and intentionally blinding myself.

In case you want a visual on rip tides, see this - and again imagine me swimming straight out with those blue arrows. ( image from https://www.mensjournal.com/ad...)

What to do next? panic? No. I did not panic at all. I think the reason being that if I'm to die, I would like to die peacefully. I always think this way. Same with an airplane ride. When extreme turbulence hits, I always remind myself, "If this plane starts going down, sit peacefully. Run through how grateful you were for the life you had and embrace the impact, it's out of your control". Seriously. If a plane is going down, I don't want everyone screaming, whining, being loud and dramatic. What is that going to do? Your tears will not redirect the plane, your screaming won't stop gravity. It should be the most peaceful departure into the after life.

I started swimming parallel to the shore as I was told as a kid. Waves were coming at me from every direction and nothing made sense. I just kept swimming parallel. Refer back to the image above again if you want a visual.

I remember looking up and seeing a couple way off on the beach pointing at me. They were blurred tiny people given the distance but I with certainty could tell they were the only ones who noticed I was in shambles. I did not yell or wave for help. I'm such a people pleaser that I thought "instead of ruining everyone's sunset, I'll remain silent and just try and get myself out of the situation I got myself into."

It makes me wonder if I am psychotic. Imagine you're drowning in the middle of the ocean, people all around on the beach, and you do nothing to call for help. Is it because I knew intuitively I would be okay? Or did I simply just not want to ruin everyone's sunset experience with cries. It by no means felt like it was going to be the end of my life despite how scary it was. However, if you think you're dying, you should probably cry for help (unless you're on a falling plane).

My swimming was making good progress. The shore felt closer despite the fact that I was nearly out of breathe. I got to a point where I could touch my toe to the sand, just a toe, and do a little bounce off of it to project myself closer to the shore. But I couldn't stand, there was too much movement from the ocean to plant myself. It was almost worse than not being able to touch at all, I was being teased by the ground. I realize that drowning isn't always how we see it in the movies - someone deep in the ocean where they can't touch, sinking. I realize your lungs can just explode. I was so exhausted and despite being able to poke the ground, it was like oh my fucking god my lungs are on the verge of exploding. I can barely breathe from how much I'm fighting this.

My chest felt heavy and I was heaving and huffing like a drunk bull. I kept bouncing off the sand with my big toe and jumping towards the shore. My brain felt like TV static.

This doesn't need to go on forever, I eventually made it to a point where inbound waves started sending me to the shore. When I reached the shore I laid there, completely still. Nobody came up and said anything to me. It makes me wonder if anyone even know. It's kind of insane that someone within your peripheral could be on the verge of dying and you don't even notice. Like, is it possible I have been at a concert or the mall and someone almost randomly died? Look out for people dying in public moving forward..

I laid for a long time and caught my breathe. I thought about the angel cloud I had seen before. Guardian angels do exist and the heavens will send you messages. Pay attention to the clouds and take any messages seriously.

I wouldn't let this one time occurrence hinder my love for the ocean or desire to learn surfing. I kept a positive attitude. Such a positive attitude, that 3 days later Turner wanted to go surfing and I said yes - we ventured over to the exact same spot where this incident happened. It didn't occur to me that rip tides may consistently exist in one area, I thought what I experienced had moved on by now.

Wrong. Thankfully this time we had our boards, but I literally watched Turner get caught in the rip tide and dragged out within a minute. Today was a Saturday and the beach was busier; beach patrol caught onto this instantly.

Beach patrol: "you know this spot is notorious for it's danger rip tides, you need to make your way up north. We've had several deaths here"

Me: "There are absolutely 0 warning signs anywhere about this"

Beach patrol: "......"

I don't even know who is stupider, the city of Mission Beach for having absolutely no warnings, or me, for going to the exact same spot.

Here are some takeaways:

1. If you see an angel formation in the cloud it means you may die but will ultimately be okay

2. Ask surfers how they get water out of their eyes instead of experimenting

3. Tell your friends if you almost die so that it doesn't happen again

4. Scream if you need help unless it's a falling plane

5. If you ever visit Mission Beach, do not swim there