2 months in Miami

Miami feels like a video game. A self governed land that attracts crypto gods and cartoon dolphins. The world is attracted to its weird energy and nightlife, where gringos pass out at 3am and Latinos rage until lunch the next day. I spent 2 months in Miami and want to share my discoveries, this post will go as follows:

1. Partying

2. What to visit

3. Where to stay

4. Eating

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1. Partying

With any club you want to go to, literally just go to the website and buy a ticket in advance. Don't be spontaneous or you'll suffer. I have no experience with being approached by promoters because I am not a group of girls, but generally I feel like there is always something sketchy with those. Will your table really be free? Anyway, with the two clubs I'll recommend, buy your ticket online as soon as you know you plan to go. 

Club Space (https://www.clubspace.com/) - this is pretty well known at this point but I couldn't recommend more (especially now that my beef with them is over). Before I even talk about this club I'll obviously share my beef. For the longest time only girls were allowed to dance on the platforms there - I was persistent in establishing myself on these platforms to show some moves amidst drugged girls dancing like rag dolls, and found I was always pulled off by a bouncer. I feel like the sign of a true club is where there is 0 bouncer interference. Real clubs are lawless places that don't abide to rules, but these places really only seem to exist in hidden corners of Berlin.

I always found this funny to because as you ascend the staircase at space things like "love", "acceptance", "no hate", "all are welcome", "no violence" etc are spray painted on the stairs (see below) - and then the second a random dude wants to show off his moves at an elevated surface he is violently tossed off.

Eventually it seems like this caught up to Space because there was some drama that happened, and things changed.

My message to Club Space is that I #accept you for who you are now will always question the root of your intentions. Anyway... 

Space has all the space, pretty lights, dancing on elevated surfaced you'd want. I still like this club despite what I described prior. I think I actually just wanted to use this as an outlet to vent.  Look up who is playing before to make sure you actually enjoy the music. Not much more to say here. 

Do not sit on the furniture (https://donotsitonthefurniture...)

If a nightclub is vulnerable enough to have an about us page featuring of a photo of the couple that owns the club, you know it is a genuine and safe space. Read below what they have to say:

They even sign their message with love. If LIV had an about us page it would probably be signed "you owe us $200 for the FIJI water you requested when your friend on molly was having a seizure"

Most clubs are likely trying to be discreet about who owns it to avoid charges after their bouncer threw someone down the stairs over a vape. Props to you, Do Not Sit on The Furniture.

And just like that, why overwhelm yourself with more club options? I simply want to get 2 names in front of you to keep it simple, and you go have your own adventures there..

Again these are my personal recommendations - these will not be places where men are inviting you to their $10,000 table… go try SLS or talk to promoters in the street if that is your cup of tea.

If clubbing isn't your scene, or not what you want that night, I can tell you about some bars (whose names are all going to be oddly similar)!

Better Days (https://www.betterdays305.com/): Fun place to show up at 3am. Weird (good weird) people and conversations. 

Lost Weekend (https://sub-culture.org/locati...): Fun place to meet people, pool tables, good crowd 

Lost Boy Dry Goods (https://www.lostboydrygoods.co...): Good decor, spacious, 4pm happy hour, sometimes the music is too loud when nobody is there

2. What to visit?

What I think is the coolest place ever, which may be a inaccessible if you don’t have a car, is the Fruit and Spice park (https://www.miamidade.gov/frui...)

This is a massive farm out in the middle of nowhere with all of the crazy things that grow around the world in tropical climates. You'll be introduced to dozens of weird fruits you've never heard of, and the chance to try them (if they're ripe and no longer on the tree). 

On the tour you get driven around and an explanation as to what everything is. The fruit also varies by season, so you can return at different times of the year for different experiences. 

We learned about black sapote, star fruit, egg fruit (look it up), the miracle fruit (tried these and apparently saves you from cancer, hence the name). 

Below was a small cucumber the size of a finger that tasted lime a lime.

I don't remember what this was but it looks like a pokemon's head.

This whole outskirt area has tons of interesting farms, and even wineries to go to Schnebly Redland's Winery & Brewery (https://schneblywinery.com/)

Moving on from the fruit and spice park, I have to give my take on which beach you should go to so that you can cool off after nearly dying of heat exhaustion if you spend anytime near asphalt. 

If you're ready to get funky and naked, go to Haulover Beach. I can't recommend this more if you want to swim without clothes on and feel truly free. The crowd will be fun, but you're not going to get beach chairs and shitty $28 chicken caesar wraps like you would in south beach. 

If you're afraid of seeing dicks, go to Surfside for the beach. You'll probably come across some celebrities / actors / everyone from New York. 

Generally, I would avoid south beach - it is overcrowded and a bit run down. The further north the better (well until you hit Hollywood). 

3. Where to stay?

Stay in Coconut Grove.

"But it's not near the beach". Yes, but it will be such a better vibe.  

You'll have a nice walking town, that is still busy, but not the same crowd as South beach/general high rise area. In Coconut Grove you can actually meet some Miami locals. I frequented at Berries in The Grove ( https://www.berriesinthegrove....) and met more people and had more fun conversations than any clubbing experience. I was talking to an old woman in Lilly Pulitzer who was drinking tequila on the rocks. Her family had been in big dairy. Funny characters like that. People for example at Space are all ~ rolling ~ and don't want to talk. 

They have a fucking crazy farmers market every Saturday - weird fruits and fresh coconut water (https://www.miamiandbeaches.co...). 

The Barnacle historic state park is a nice little jungle right in Coconut Grove to walk through (https://www.google.com/maps/pl...).

I found the Ubers from Coconut Grove to any part along South Beach or Downtown Miami to be reasonably priced, maybe around $18-$20. Even though you might be slightly removed, it won't break the bank to go out. Coming home I can't speak of - if you're out late enough it shouldn't matter, but if you're a gringo passing out at 3am you probably will pay a surge price to go back to the grove from clubbing.

You can also take the train into downtown Miami which actually is super fun and has great views, and then Uber from there to south beach for example. I mostly just relied on the train to get to downtown Miami from Coconut Grove, don't turn your nose to public transportation lol.

Find an airbnb in the general area or stay at this hotel: https://www.mayfairhousemiami....

Where to eat?

What I find funny about Miami to is that all the New York Resturants have asserted themselves as the dominate players in the food scene. It's like, everyone who lives in New York goes down for the weekend, and is like "omg we can eat at Carbone tonight!".

When you think you're eating at a one of place and then realize every dining experience you've sought out all just came from the same group (https://www.majorfood.com/).

Miami has been flooded with instagrammable trendy food places where you pay hundreds and leave starving. Like Komodo Miami, I went there with a group and don't even remember what we ate and left with a huge bill while feeling starving. Hot on Instagram, not hot if you are doing drugs and going clubbing and are hoping to have gotten a meal in before. If you want a filling meal in a more laid back environment, check out these options:

Le Bouchon Du Grove (https://www.lebouchondugrove.n...)

Tutto Pasta (https://tuttopasta.com/)

Portugese food is somewhat bland in my opinion, but Old Lisbon restaurant is a good vibe (https://oldlisbonrestaurants.c...)

If you like cake, go to Fireman Derek's for cake. In Wynwood after you took 2903 shots at all those random bars, or if you're in Coconut Grove. I learned the story of Derek at the Wyndwood shop, and similar to Do Not Sit On the Furniture, exposing themselves on their website shows the shop is a lot more intentional than going to some "local" place that is actually just a part of a New York restaurant group.

Have fun in Miami. Although this isn't much of an itinerary per se, I hope it gave you some ideas. Thanks for reading :)